I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK