still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.