I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes