Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
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9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Every work meeting this week
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*