1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.