These are my roll models.
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My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”