The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld