Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Netflix and you sit over there.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”