Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.