If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
“you changed” bro i was 15
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it