Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear