Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.