According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards