Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
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Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.