Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
welp
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.