Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
What about a To-Don’t List?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.