If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I can’t deal with men any longer
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”