Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
This is hilarious….
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
😬
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR