By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking