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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
The glory of fall.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Solving a traffic jam
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”