*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.