[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Worth a try
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
don’t we all
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey