Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
You Might Also Like
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.