*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
How do you like your Corgi?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Sponch
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know