I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
You Might Also Like
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert