[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“Theirye’re” problem solved
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”