To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
You Might Also Like
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”