If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*