cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.