Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
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wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.