8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.