*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese