BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You Might Also Like
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
o shit
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Finally, an explanation.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump