I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!