I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.