the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.