Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
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Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
blocked.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.