*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me when my alarm goes off
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy