Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Morning my dudes.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…