[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.