I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
watergate? u mean a dam??
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People