me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections