[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
what
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists