what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I think this cat is broken
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
🍞🦆
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?