a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My Guy
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
#merica
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.