Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
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[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”