I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I like long walks away from everyone
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”