Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Weirdos gonna weird.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.