[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
me 2 months after i graduated
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!