In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.